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| 1. i
turned off the lights and
made like a spider,
weaving a web over your body while
seducing your mind into
my control
and through the moans
and short breathes i
started
releasing my loving venom into
such a
pretty
pretty
frame
maybe you can't move my beautiful fly
but why would you want to?
why would you want to?
2.shoot me down
machine gun raindrops
tirelessly pound me with the
cloudy bullets
i'm tired and
like the morning sky i'm
fading fast.
3."she walks
steadily
as if
she knew the eyes of the room were
on her
and her
alone"
i'm so vain
I'll bet I think this poem's about me
about my foolish pride
my inane non-humility
my vanity which i
hide behind words like
"confidence" and
"strength".
but really
im childlike, unsure, unaware,
imagining holding a room like apuppeteer
when really
i can't even hold
my own weight.
4.i've
been
run-through, stabbed
in the heart by a
well-meaning
(beautiful,
charismatic,
remorseless)
man. and
unable to stand under the
pressure of a wound so
deep so
hopeful i
cant help but sit
and try to
not concentrate on
the flurry of a
swarm of
digestive butterflies.
and these cliches so
effectual yet
overused well
maybe a better poet might
be able to describe this
indescribable or
put a number or a name on
this numberless, nameless
cornucopia of feelings
but that poet is not me
and this poet isnt that one.
5.the sky opened up in hues of orange
and blue
and to my left was black and grey
complimented with streaks of yellow and white
it was like the sun couldn't decide
whether to rise or be risen
and thank God because
that indecision
was
beautiful
it was so beautiful
it made me
turn my head and swivel my heart around
and realize that
you and I,
we,
never knew whether to be rise or be risen
to fall in love and let the world know
or forever hide
a beautiful indecision
which could kill us or bring us together as one
I don't know any pretty words tonight
I only know I miss you
I don't know what you're doing tonight
I only know I wish I was there.
6.my hand
slid
slowly down his body
touching his insecurities
the ones stored away
and hidden behind
regrets and memories of lies
by
time and stoicism and
beautiful eyes and laughs
and I've fallen for him
like a brick in deep water
like the rain from the clouds
and I realize
I'm done for
and I realize
its okay.
7. when you slip through the cracks
of reality into
a musical interlude of Godly decadence
and stifling sobriety it
crushes existence it
leaves you with nothing it
is the irony we all carry
we love but do not say we love
we live but do not love living
we quietly accept the changeable but
loudly bash the inevitable.
and i'm sick
with love
with sorrow
without
rhyme or reason or logical answers
for either.
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| I'm drained. Physically. emotionally, mentally.
1.I'm broken. And sometimes I don't know if you can put me back together. I don't want to put pressure on you or sink you down to where I am. But I mean what I say to you. Just have patience. If I can get past this, I'm in this with you. I see glimpses of who I was, am and want to be when I'm with you. Let's make them last longer than a few minutes.I'm sorry I'm such a mess sometimes.
2. Never in my entire life would I think you would tell me to go back. After all the times you begged me to come home, after I gave up one life to have another with you, you want me to go back. Your words cut deeper than you will ever know. This consistent inconsistency in feelings, words, actions, emotions is not fair. I feel like a leaf being pushed back and forth by the wind, with no say of my own on which direction I will float or where I will land. I've opened my heart to you, given you everything inside, and never asked for anything in return other than the consideration to be honest and not play games with me. And you can't even give me that. Did you know I'm numb? I don't cry anymore. I don't get excited when it rains or fight sleep just to stay near you. But you'll always have my heart. And I think about how we were and what we've been through and it's just sad. I hope to god you take back what you said. That you dont actually want me to move away when everyday yore trying to get closer to me. I don't think we will ever be okay or the same again. I want my heart back.
I feel lost.(like I've been here before)
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| is it over again?
he gave me reasons that I can't believe.
You're words have to match your actions, and this time they don't.
Admit it. you're scared. This distance is too hard for you to deal with and you think it'll hurt to much to siffer 4 years of being in a relationship with me but not "being with me".
If you love me, you'll realize this is a mistake and keep trying. The more we try, the easier it will be. Think of this as one of those goals you want to achieve. One of your aspirations for your wall. If you work hard and believe, it will happen. We will pull through and be okay.
I love you. I don't believe you. This isn't the end. It can't be. So think about what you are doing. I'm giving you time. Just don't give up on us.
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| my life is drastically changing, but i plan on keeping a few things the same.
<3
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